Last night I was watching Quantum of Solace, a movie I have watched at least five or six times, and there were parts of the movie I have absolutely no recollection of. I am usually able to recall movies so easily. For god’s sake, I’ve managed to memorise most of the Hamilton soundtrack in less than two weeks. But thanks to last year’s chemo, some stuff seems to have disappeared if not for good, at least for now.
Last Wednesday I picked the little dude up from school and on the way home he sung “time for music classes”. I went to tell him he had the wrong day but realised he was right. I don’t know if I’d forgotten it was Wednesday, forgotten about music or if I’d forgotten that music was on Wednesdays but if he hadn’t reminded me, he wouldn’t have gone!
So, with my next cycle of chemo due to start tomorrow I’d like to offer the following apologies applicable to both the past and future as a result of these life-saving, life-changing, brain-breaking cytotoxins.
- Sorry for all the birthdays I’ve forgotten and the gifts I’ve forgotten to buy (and the ones I’m likely to forget.)
- Sorry for asking the same thing over and over as I try to find useful space on my internal hard drive to store the information.
- Sorry for forgetting the important things you tell me when my internal hard drive is full.
- Sorry for not being able to be there for you the was I was ‘before’.
- Sorry for missing the events that celebrate you.
- Sorry that when I do attend, talk inevitably turns to my health.
- Sorry for being easily distracted or totally zoning out.
- Sorry for the repeated Hamilton references.
- Sorry if you go into the bathroom after I’ve emptied my ileostomy bag.
OK, so those last two aren’t related in any way to chemo but they are equally as valid!
Just as it’s OK for me to be frustrated by the side effects of chemo, it’s OK for people to be upset when I forget things or can’t be there when you need. We all just need to remember that the chemo is there to help lengthen my life. Being forgetful, absent or vague is hopefully the short-term price for a long-term outcome. Remind me of that in case I forget once chemo has started!