Today has been a shitty day. I’ve cried for almost the entire second half of it and it’s only 6pm. Two hours of that was spent sitting on the deck getting fresh air to try and make me feel better (didn’t work) and wiping snot on my shirt because I was too lazy to go get the tissues.
I have been mourning everything that should have been. This year started off so promising. We were moving towards the adoption of our foster son, I was due to graduate from uni (and therefore considering looking for a new job related to my degree) and we had booked flights for a trip to Europe.
Over the course of our 8 year relationship, as with all relationships, we’ve had some really trying times so the promise of this year seemed like a pay off for all the hard work.
But now, the adoption is up in the air, I’m certainly not on the job hunt and I barely have the energy to go to the shops some days, so Europe is off.
I don’t typically plan too far ahead. Never have. So to have made such big plans this year was a big deal for me. It makes it hard to try to plan for after surgery when all of these plans have been so spectacularly shit on. How do I plan for a future I can barely picture when plans for a relatively predictable future have gone so awry.
To be fair, this is the first major melt-down I’ve had in the 5 months since being diagnosed with cancer so I think I’ve done pretty well! Most of the time, I take it as it comes and am pretty accepting of this crappy reality I’ve found myself in. Sometimes though, as with all bad times, everything hits you at once and there seems to be no silver lining, no ‘other side’, no time when this will be behind you.
I try to remember that, quite unexpectedly, there is a lot that cancer has given me, in particular perspective and time. I’ve had to start thinking about what is really important to me, to my family. I still don’t have the answer but there’s a definite thought process going on there. And where I thought at first I’d lament the potential loss of time in my life, the fact that I’ve had to stop work and slow down means I value time more. Where once watching Peg + Cat on ABC Kids with the munchkin would have me fretting over all the things left on my to do list, now it seems like an amazing way to spend time (even if I do believe that Peg needs to be medicated!).
I know tomorrow will be a better day and things won’t seem so bad. I’ll wonder why I let it all get to me and the only sign of any distress will be my sore, puffy eyes.
Robot photo – http://www.reallysadrobot.com/image/7091340192